I can’t say for sure what the future holds for me, but I do hope that I get to a point where I’m finally happy and OK. I hope I get to a point where I don’t feel the burden of my past mistakes. And to a point where I want to be here and fight this. I know there are no guarantees in life and I can’t say what tomorrow holds, but I have a good feeling that it’s going to be better & that there is more to life than just my depression.
Having an addictive personality means I have to be overly cautious with any substance I choose to try. It means I have to say no, time after time, when my friends ask me if I want to try the latest drug on the market. It means making a conscious decision to never try molly, even while at a music festival. It means drinking, but also realizing when I need to slow down.
I was raped at 22.
It’s taken me four years to say that aloud.
If I was being honest, I’d probably admit, I still blame myself for it all.
I got too drunk. I put myself in a position open to be taken advantage of.
I let it happen.
I’ve always been viewed as the sit still, look pretty. The person boys and friends alike assume doesn’t have a nerdy or smart side to her. And on some level, I get it. I spent multiple years in college perfecting the art of being the pretty girl.
But, here I am as an adult, finding myself in a constant upward battle, trying to prove the other sides to me.
Loneliness is so much more than the notion of not having a partner, someone to go through all the chaos with.
It's not defined by all the little moments and activities done with no one by your side.
It hits during your morning commute - a bus filled with people, all headed to their various jobs, all headed alone, & yet you can't help but feel like you're somehow diff. You see them texting & assume they have a SO, a circle of friends. You assume they're less lonely.