Everyone is Engaged Except for Me

This post was previously published on Thoughtcatalog.com

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Here’s to the girls feeling so damn alone wondering when it’s their turn.

It hits on the quietest of nights. When we’re tucking ourselves into bed all alone. We get under the layers of our lives, both mentally and physically. It’s on the quietest of nights, when we’re swiping left and right on the dating app of our choosing. We get tired of swiping – decide to head to Facebook. One quick look before closing our eyes. And just like that, we see the next ones engaged. We’re happy for them, we genuinely are, but I think on some level we feel a bit bitter. 

Why not us? Why not me.

We don’t know how our lives got to this point. How we couldn’t find ‘the one’ that stuck. We think about the string of guys from our past and wonder if any could have been our ‘one’. Maybe we were rash in our breakups, maybe we should have given him a second chance, or a third, or a fourth.

We find ourselves feeling alone. A bit lost. Unsure. We pick up our phone, debating calling our best friend. The one that gets us better than anyone else. But, we stop short of a dial. It’s been weeks since we’ve talked. It’s late. They’re probably already tucked into bed, wrapped in the arms of the one they love. We don’t know if we should bother them.

We think about our friends. The ones that were there for us through all the big moments. Through all the stumbling moments. Going to bars, making friends with the cute boy. The ones we shared the horror first date tinder stories with. We think about the friends who texted us hungover from their one night stands house. Frantic. Asking for help sneaking out.

We think about them and realize, they’re all doing amazing things. While we’re stuck, sitting on the sidelines. We wonder if they’re happy. If their suburb life is everything they imagined. We think about their kids and how we always assumed our kids would grow up being best friends. We think about their lives and wonder if they’re genuinely happy. If they got everything they ever wanted. Or if they’re just as lost as us – they simply have a partner to go through the chaos with.